Owning Your Worth: How to Stop Shrinking and Start Standing
Why Confidence Isn't About Being Perfect—It's About Being Present
You walk into the networking event, and immediately that familiar voice starts its commentary: "Everyone here looks more successful than you. That woman in the corner probably has her life together. You don't belong in this room."
Sound familiar?
For too many women, confidence feels like something you're supposed to have figured out by now. Yet behind the polished resume, the professional headshots, and the curated social media posts, doubt creeps in like an unwelcome guest: Am I good enough? Do I really belong here? What if they find out I'm just making it up as I go?
Here's the truth that might surprise you: Confidence isn't about being perfect, fearless, or having all the answers. It's about owning your worth—especially when you feel shaky, uncertain, or completely out of your depth.
And that kind of confidence? It's learnable.
The Confidence Myth That's Keeping You Small
What We Think Confidence Looks Like
Society sells us a version of confidence that's all swagger and certainty—the woman who never doubts herself, who walks into every room like she owns it, who has perfect comebacks and never feels imposter syndrome.
This version of confidence is not only unrealistic—it's counterproductive. It makes real women feel like failures for having normal human experiences like uncertainty, growth, and learning.
What Confidence Actually Is
Real confidence isn't the absence of doubt—it's the willingness to move forward with doubt as a passenger, not the driver. It's saying, "I don't know everything, but I belong here anyway." It's the quiet knowing that your worth isn't dependent on being perfect or having it all figured out.
True confidence looks like:
Speaking up even when your voice shakes
Applying for opportunities you're 70% qualified for
Setting boundaries without over-explaining
Celebrating your wins without immediately minimizing them
Asking for what you need without apologizing for having needs
Why Confidence Matters More Than You Think
The Shrinking Epidemic
When you consistently shrink yourself to fit other people's expectations, you don't just lose opportunities—you lose pieces of yourself. You start:
Making yourself smaller in meetings so others feel comfortable
Downplaying your achievements to avoid seeming "too much"
Saying yes when you mean no to avoid disappointing others
Apologizing for taking up space, having opinions, or expressing needs
Second-guessing decisions you're qualified to make
The Ripple Effect of Small Living
This shrinking doesn't happen in isolation. It affects:
Your Career: You miss promotions because you don't advocate for yourself Your Relationships: People learn to expect less from you and give less in return
Your Dreams: Goals get perpetually postponed because you're waiting to feel "ready enough" Your Health: Chronic stress from living inauthentically takes a physical toll Your Legacy: The impact you could make stays locked inside you
Confidence as a Bridge
Confidence isn't arrogance or self-delusion. It's the bridge between your inner brilliance and the life you want to create. Without it, dreams stall before they even begin. With it, you become the woman who tries, learns, adjusts, and keeps moving forward.
Reflection Question: In what area of your life have you been making yourself smaller? What would change if you gave yourself permission to take up space there?
The Cultural Context: Why Confidence Feels Extra Hard
For Women in General
Women are often socialized to be accommodating, modest, and deferential. We're praised for being "humble" and criticized for being "too confident." This creates an impossible balance: be successful but not threatening, be capable but not intimidating, be smart but not know-it-all.
For BIPOC Women Specifically
Women of color face additional layers of complexity. You might navigate:
Stereotype management: Being labeled "aggressive" for the same behavior that makes men "assertive"
Representation pressure: Feeling like your mistakes reflect on everyone who looks like you
Code-switching exhaustion: Constantly adjusting your personality for different environments
Intersectional invisibility: Having your achievements attributed to diversity initiatives rather than merit
The "Perfect Storm" Effect
When cultural messages about femininity combine with systemic barriers and personal experiences of discrimination, confidence becomes not just personal work but political resistance. Owning your worth becomes an act of defiance against systems designed to keep you small.
Three Powerful Shifts to Build Real Confidence
Shift 1: Redefine Success on Your Terms
"I used to measure my worth by other people's rulers. Now I use my own."
The Problem: So often, women measure themselves by checklists handed down by family, culture, or society. You chase promotions you don't actually want, relationships that don't fulfill you, or lifestyle markers that don't align with your values.
The Shift: True confidence starts when you ask: What does success look like for me? Not your mother, not your industry, not social media—you.
How to Apply This:
Values Inventory: Write down your core values—what matters most to you when no one else is watching?
Success Redefinition: Define what success looks like in each area: career, relationships, health, creativity, contribution
Alignment Check: Look at your current goals. Do they align with YOUR definition of success or someone else's?
Course Correction: Give yourself permission to adjust goals that don't actually serve your vision
Try This: Complete this sentence: "Success for me means..." without thinking about what anyone else would expect you to say.
Shift 2: Challenge the Inner Critic with Compassionate Curiosity
"Is this truth talking, or is this fear dressed up like wisdom?"
The Problem: Your inner critic thrives on old scripts—"You're not ready," "Someone else is better qualified," "Don't mess it up," "Who do you think you are?" These voices feel protective but are actually keeping you trapped.
The Shift: Instead of fighting the inner critic or trying to silence it, get curious about it. What is it trying to protect you from? What old wound is it trying to prevent?
The STOP Technique:
Stop: Notice the critical voice
Truth check: Ask "Is this actually true, or is this fear talking?"
Offer compassion: "I understand you're trying to protect me, but..."
Proceed with wisdom: Take action based on truth, not fear
Common Inner Critic Scripts and Responses:
Critic: "You're not qualified for this opportunity"
Response: "I don't need to be 100% qualified to learn and grow in this role"
Critic: "Everyone will think you're being too much"
Response: "I'd rather be too much for some people than not enough for myself"
Critic: "You'll probably fail anyway"
Response: "Failure is information, not a verdict on my worth"
Shift 3: Practice Standing Tall—In Body and Spirit
"Your body teaches your brain what confidence feels like."
The Problem: We often think confidence is purely mental, but it lives in your body too. Years of shrinking, accommodating, and making yourself small create physical patterns that reinforce mental ones.
The Shift: Confidence is partly physiological. When you change your posture, breathing, and physical presence, you actually change your brain chemistry and how others perceive you.
The Body Confidence Practice:
Stand Tall: Shoulders back, chest open, feet hip-width apart
Breathe Deep: Full belly breaths that signal safety to your nervous system
Make Eye Contact: With yourself in mirrors and with others in conversation
Speak Slowly: Rushed speech signals anxiety; measured pace signals confidence
Take Up Space: Don't apologize for your physical presence
Advanced Body Confidence:
Power Posing: Before important conversations, stand like Wonder Woman for 2 minutes
Voice Work: Practice speaking from your chest, not your throat
Gesture Boldly: Use hand gestures that match the importance of what you're saying
Walk with Purpose: Even if you're not sure where you're going, move like you belong there
Try This: Right now, sit up straighter, take a deep breath, and notice how it changes how you feel about what you're reading.
Building Confidence in Real Situations
Before the Important Meeting
Review your qualifications and recent wins
Set an intention: "I'm here to contribute my unique perspective"
Power pose in the bathroom for 30 seconds
Remember: You were invited because someone values your input
When Receiving Compliments
Instead of: "It was nothing" or "I got lucky"
Try: "Thank you, I worked hard on that" or "I appreciate you noticing"
Practice: Write down compliments you receive and read them when doubt creeps in
When Making Mistakes
Reframe: "Mistakes are proof I'm challenging myself to grow"
Respond: Address it directly without over-apologizing
Learn: Extract the lesson without attacking your character
Move Forward: One mistake doesn't define your competence
When Setting Boundaries
Be Clear: State your boundary without over-explaining
Stay Calm: Deep breaths help you stay centered when people push back
Remember: You're not responsible for managing other people's emotions about your limits
The Confidence Building Daily Practice
Morning Confidence Ritual (5 minutes)
Affirmation: "I belong in every room I enter today"
Intention: Set one confidence goal for the day
Posture: Stand tall and take three deep breaths
Visualization: See yourself showing up confidently in today's challenges
Throughout the Day
Micro-celebrations: Acknowledge small wins as they happen
Posture checks: Notice when you're shrinking and gently adjust
Voice awareness: Speak clearly and at appropriate volume
Space claiming: Don't apologize for taking up physical or conversational space
Evening Reflection (3 minutes)
What went well: Name one moment you showed up confidently
What to adjust: Identify one area to focus on tomorrow
Appreciation: Thank yourself for practicing courage today
When Confidence Feels Fake
"I Feel Like I'm Pretending"
This is normal! Confidence often feels performative at first because you're practicing new behaviors. The feeling will catch up to the actions with time and repetition.
"People Will Think I'm Arrogant"
There's a difference between confidence (owning your worth) and arrogance (thinking you're better than others). Confident people lift others up; arrogant people put others down.
"What If I Fail?"
Confident people fail too—they just don't let failure define their worth. Every successful person has a trail of failures behind them. The goal isn't to avoid failure but to fail forward.
The Ripple Effect of Owning Your Worth
What Changes When You Stop Shrinking
At Work:
You speak up in meetings with valuable contributions
You negotiate with clarity about your value
You take on stretch assignments that accelerate your growth
You become known for your expertise and insights
In Relationships:
You attract people who appreciate your authentic self
You set boundaries that protect your energy and time
You express needs and desires without apologizing
You model self-worth for children, friends, and colleagues
Personally:
You pursue dreams that align with your values
You trust your instincts when making decisions
You celebrate achievements without immediately minimizing them
You recover more quickly from setbacks because your worth isn't in question
The Leadership Impact
When you own your worth, you unconsciously give others permission to do the same. Your confidence becomes contagious, creating ripple effects in your workplace, family, and community.
Your Confidence Action Plan
This Week: Start Small
Choose one meeting to speak up with a valuable contribution
Practice receiving one compliment gracefully without deflecting
Set one boundary without over-explaining your reasons
Stand tall for 30 seconds before any important conversation
This Month: Build Momentum
Redefine success in one area of your life based on your values
Challenge one limiting belief using the STOP technique daily
Practice body confidence with posture, voice, and presence awareness
Document your wins to build evidence of your competence
Moving Forward: Make It Sustainable
Remember: Confidence isn't a destination—it's a practice. There will be days when doubt creeps back in, and that's normal. The difference is that you'll have tools to respond to doubt instead of being paralyzed by it.
Final Word
Confidence is not something you wait for—it's something you practice daily, imperfectly, courageously.
You don't need anyone's permission to own your worth. You don't need to be perfect to deserve respect. You don't need to have it all figured out to contribute something valuable.
Start small. Own your wins. Challenge the inner critic with compassion. And most importantly, stop shrinking to make others comfortable.
The world needs what you have to offer—not a diminished version of it, but the full, authentic, confidently imperfect you.
You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to stand tall.
The only question left is: Are you ready to stop waiting and start practicing?
Ready to Own Your Worth?
🎯 Take the Self-Doubt Cost Quiz to see what shrinking might be costing you professionally and personally
💬 Share this post with a friend who needs a reminder of her worth—sometimes we all need to hear it
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Remember: You don't have to earn your worth—you already have it. The work is learning to see it, own it, and live from it.
